As I walked into the gallery the pictures on the wall gave nothing away. The silence not broken by brushstrokes. Nothing to process. Tranquil, almost transparent colours. Perfect structure. The tears cascaded down my face. I was home. I was complete. I don’t think I could have been less prepared for such an intensely emotional … More The toilet is my favourite place.
How can I be a mother if I never gave birth? Exactly sixteen years ago, I was in labour. It’s not a terribly traumatic story. It’s not too long – 22 hours from waters breaking to meeting my baby. A pretty normal first labour. But the fallout and my feelings about pregnancy and childbirth still … More How can I be a mother if I never gave birth?
It confirmed to everyone. I was a fake. Mothers Who Make is an international initiative providing mothers and makers peer support. It has been a saving grace for me during the last four months. I have made connections with women I may never have met without lockdown. Women who understand the innate need … More Lack of Symmetry, my arse!
Life feels pretty heavy here, how about you, wherever your isolation is? Writing has always been my ‘way out’ and, failing that, drawing. But both forms of creativity have failed to suffice in the past weeks and I have been floundering around for other ways to keep my mind distracted from its constant chatter, … More Passionate playing in the bath
Stairs have been my arch nemesis for several years. Not going down them, that was as easy to me as it is to you (assuming you are someone who finds it easy). But going up. I still stand at the bottom, looking with fear, and brace myself for the pain that will be involved. But … More Sexual politics and hot baths
I’ve been reading a lot about writing recently, as well as trying to increase my reading of great literature. I need to write every day. See where it takes me. Maybe I’ll come up with some gems if only a sentence or a character. I think this is pretty much how I write already, I … More Thieves and tattoos
This morning is hard and I feel quite empty. On Friday we received a date for the inquest of my late brother-in-laws’ death. In the back of my head, I knew this was coming, in the horrendous, blurry weeks after he died the coroner told us the inquest might take months. Dan died in … More Inquest and lesbians
I’ve just come back from my first run in SUCH a long time. I ran. And I could. Walking stick to running in 3 months. Most pleasing! I’ve been thinking a lot over the last few weeks about our perception of others lives in contrast to how one sees one’s own life. It’s easy to see how … More Burying my darkest secrets
Wondering if, without a new life-changing trauma, I actually have a blog in me, but working on the philosophy that I’ve come an awful long way this year, and it wasn’t all trauma, I’ve decided to try! I am sat on a train going south down the east coast of Scotland. You know the route? … More Laughing Monsters and a Messiah
It was during Euro 96 that I first met my new boyfriend’s family. We were 23 and his little brother was just turning 13. We bought him a looney tunes Euro 96 t-shirt for his birthday. He was a bookworm, I mean a serious bookworm. I suppose there was no mobile phones … More Bunk beds and superheroes